Rayman: How Things Should Have Been
by Vincent von Dreyfus
Summary: This is a satire of the original Rayman for the PC. It is the retelling of the game, so as to tell what REALLY happened. Who was the Magician? Was Betilla actually a gangster? This story tells the TRUTH! Only in a bit more...twisted way.
1. Mister Dark's Awesome Plan

**Author's Note:**

This is a story, inspired by _Things How They Should Be: By Legolas_, a fanfic of _Lord of the Rings_, by mbus55. It is also inspired by my current signature on MSN, based on a certain phrase from a Teensie. "And they've locked Xeiqu in one of their strongholds!" X3 Well, readers, I'd appreciate it greatly if you'd give me a review upon reading the latest chapters. I do take requests, if they fit the overall plot!

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**Chapter 1: Mister Dark's Awesome Plan**

Mister Dark was a very nice man, living a very nice life, in a very nice place. He lived in a castle made out of candy, a Candy Chateau. He had everything he could want.

One day, Mister Dark woke up. He had a wonderful breakfast. It was some tasty, warm pancakes. On it was some hot maple syrup, freshly imported from the Clear Leaf Forest. With the pancakes, Mister Dark had a delicious glass of orange juice. He was just about to have some eggs, when there was a knock on the door. "Who could that be?" he thought.

Mister Dark opened the door. Why, who should it be but the Wizard? "Hello, Mr. Wizard!" greeted Dark cheerfully. "Why have you travelled all this way? Did you come to visit?" "Dark," the Wizard said, "I've come to offer you a business deal."

"What sort of deal? Do you need some of my most excellent Knaaren Cookies or something?"

"No. Not that sort of deal. Listen, Dark, you're my pal, right?"

"Yeah."

"And we both don't want this castle melting, right?"

"Most definately."

"Good. Well, I'll be honest. I'm a drug dealer, Dark."

"A what? Wha-why?"

"No, I've retired. But, uh, er, yeah. This guy is after me. I happened to have sold him a lot of drugs, er, a long time ago. Well, I, uh, accidentally gave him a bit too little."

"How much did you give him?"

"100 of every kind. He asked for 110."

"My, he is addicted."

"Yeah. Whatever. Um, you are strong, right?"

"True, true."

"Dark, I need you to take care of this guy."

"Isn't that mean? I'm a peaceful, all-loving sorcerer, after all."

"Well, in return, I'll let you have the Grand Protoon. It will make everybody want to visit. Then, they won't be afraid of you, due to your last name. You'll have more visitors, Dark. Think of it!" The Wizard now had Mister Dark under his spell. "So, Dark, what do you say?"

"I guess I'll do it. Will there be any conflict?"

"Well, there is some gangster that guards it."

"Alrighty, then. Just give me the name of who you wish me to take care of."

The Wizard looked left and right. "His name is Rayman."

"What a terrible name."

"Tell me about it. And the gangster is Betilla. Be careful! She likes motorcycles."

"Alright. In that case, I have a condition. I get to take the Grand Protoon first."

"Sure. Thanks, Dark."

"You are welcome." Mister Dark bade farewell to the Wizard, and finished his breakfast.

Meanwhile, the Wizard chuckled. It was time for him to watch the events unfold. Soon he would be Emperor, and the Republic would fall. First, though, he had to make sure Mister Dark got the Grand Protoon. Afterwards, it would be time to meet an old client of his...

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**Disclaimer:** Rayman is copyrighted by UbiSoft. 


	2. Capturing the Grand Protoon

**Author's Note:**

Thank you for the feedback (on RaymanZone)! And, of course, I highly recommend reading the fanfiction that I based it on (see Chapter 1). Mind you, this is quite different. The fanfiction was only inspiration.

Sadly, this chapter is a bit weak and vulgar compared to the first chapter. I hope to solve this problem on the next chapter.**  
**

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**Chapter 2: Capturing the Grand Protoon**

The next morning, Mister Dark got up bright and early. He ate breakfast, grabbed his favorite pair of binoculars (he wanted to go bird watching), and stolled out the door. The sun was shining, the clowns were dancing, and all was well at the Candy Chateau. The Wizard met him at the gates, and together they hiked down the cliff overlooking Picture City.

"I've never been to Picture City before!" Mister Dark exclaimed excitedly, "I wonder what they'll have there? Delicious restaurants? Movie theaters? Opera houses? Oh! I wonder if the elegant Fashion Mama will be there?" Mister Dark clearly wanted to see everything. "It's just a load of b--er, ink and erasers," the Wizard replied bluntly. "Uh, why don't we skip Picture City? I had a vision last night. In it, a drunk, lazy, Italian weirdo who was wearing an illegal, copyright infringing hat spoke to me. He said that, uh, it would be faster to just go across the Bay of Skops." "Aww, man!" Mister Dark whined.

And so, after stopping at the Eat at Joe's restaurant, they bypassed the city gates and took a boat across the bay. Mister Dark watched as the elegant city of mirages slowly drifted away. He was sad as he witnessed the last lead points of the skyscrappers being overlapped by the glimmering cliffs of Band Land. Little did he know that he'd never live to ever enter that city. He'd never live to witness it, to feel the marvelous feeling emitted by the countless paintings. Yet, even though he knew nothing of the inescapable part of a sinister plan he was now ensnared in, a tear trickled down his cheek.

After about a day of sailing, they reached the inland Anguish Lagoon. "Now, let's see. We need to hire a worthless, mindless, weak, cognatively impaired, good-for-nothing guide," muttered the Wizard under his breath, "Or else, my plan is ruined." "G'day, mate!" greeted Mister Dark suddenly. The Wizard, startled, looked up. There, almost right in front of him, was exactly the guide he was looking for. "What's your name, stranger?" asked the Wizard. The guide replied, "Me Globox."

Globox led them willingly straight to the Grand Protoon's guardhouse. "Hey, Tim!" Globox greeted the guard, "I've got two weirdo tourists here. They say they came to take a look at the Grand Protoon."

"Is that all? Golly, Globox, you didn't have to tell me! I'd be glad to let them in!"

"Don't think this lifts your debt to me, Tim. I won the Sudden Poker Game of Death fair and square. Tonight is the night in which you pay up."

"Yes, Mr. Globox, sir! J-Just promise me you'll do it quickly, so that I don't suffer!"

"I'm sorry, Tim. You had your chance. The Rancor will deal with you."

Poor Tim Groundstander was unknowingly Globox's father. Ever since Globox had joined the Empire, most called him Darth Matt Antitoon Ogre Tobbe Lobasuu Tyzer. However, he just preferred being called Darth I'm-Your-Master-So-Pay-Up-Or-Else. Sadly, Emperor Polokus wanted the title for himself, so Globox had to stay Globox. Nobody messed with him.

Soon, Mister Dark stared upon the Grand Protoon. It was dripping with a strange, alchoholic liquid, seemingly poured on it as a ritual. Sadly, this was no ordinary liquid. It was Vodka, from the One Bottle. Mister Dark was caught by its grasp. He wanted the Vodka-covered Grand Protoon for himself!

"There ya go, big boy!" the Wizard chuckled. "It's all your's!" "Why thank you!" replied Mister Dark as he grabbed the Protoon. All of the sudden, the ground shook. They all turned around, and cowered. It was the Big Bad Betilla, back from scaring little pigs. A nasty gleam shined from her leather jacket. With every step, the ground shook under her portly stomach. "Hey! Who you?" the un-educated monster demanded, "Wha? Cloaked Dummy ("Hey!" cried Mister Dark) holding Shiny Marble! Cloaked Dummy PAY!"

Big Bag Betilla took out her bazooka, and aimed it at Mister Dark's binoculars. "NO! Not the PRECIOUS!" cried Mister Dark. Everybody stared at him. "Sorry..." Mister Dark muttered ashamedly, hanging his head. "That's not my line... I'll do better next time." "There is no next time," cried the Wizard in a sexy female voice, "Ths is the final cut. Ugh! Im wastng time alrdy. Lets just continue, alrght? Jeez, WTF, why'd u do that?"

"And...ACTION!" cried Graham for the tenth time.

Big Bad Betilla cried, "Go, my EEE! Burn down his cloak!" The EEE (Evil Enemy Electoons) flew out from her motorcycle's sidecar (the motorcycle was parked near a mysteriously empty guard house). "Fly, my pretties!" cheered Big Bad Betilla gleefully. Mister Dark's anger made him powerful enough to defeat them. Enraged at Graham's terrible reference to the KKK, and at the fact that Graham had not only "swore," but playfully typed "" in, Mister Dark shot them all with his EEE Shooter -1.0. The negativeness of the version made all the shot Electoons become forces of his AAA (Army Antitoons Anonymous).

The AAA did two things. First, they gobbled up Graham, the horrible director of the already 1 star movie. Second, they swarmed onto Big Bad Betilla, giving Mister Dark a chance to escape. He fled as fast as he could through the Band Land and Blue Mountains, until he finally reached his own backdoor.

Meanwhile, the Wizard created for Big Bad Betilla more Electoons. Then he stolled away, towards Rayman's house, at the shores near the Pink Plant Woods. He'd have to do quite a bit of lying to make Rayman believe that Mister Dark had forced the Wizard into giving him so few drugs. It would be a difficult task.

Soon, the Wizard reached a hidden grotto. In it were Hunters, Livingstones, and many other baddies. "M'lord," greeted the head of the Hunters. "What shall we do?" "Go, and capture every last Electoon," instructed the Wizard. "And see if you can gain the allegiance of the Moskitoes, Mister Sax, the Blue Mafia, Fashion Mama, and Mister Skops. I want no mistakes." With that, the bad guys parted ways, to carry out whichever task they had to do...


	3. Of Plums and Tomatoes

**Author's Note:**

This chapter is definately better than Chapter 2. I hope you like it, and feel free to give reviews!**  
**

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**Chapter 3: Of Plums and Tomatoes**

Rayman slept peacefully in his hammock. All of the sudden, somebody shook him awake. It was that no-good swindler, the Wizard. "What are you doing here?" Rayman growled. "I came because I need your help."

"Why should I help you?"

"Because, the person who forced me to not give you enough products now is threatening our lives!"

"Really, and who would that be?"

"Mister Dark."

"OMG!"

"Please, this is a serious-yet-overly-funny story, directed by some idiot named Graham. We aren't allowed to use l33t speech, remember?"

"Sorry. Anyway, he's the guy who wouldn't share his candy when I threatened to beat him up in preschool! He shall PAY for this evil!"

"Good, good. Well, he's in the Candy Chateau. I'd suggest going to save the Electoons. Without them, you can't get into his lair!"

"Gotcha."

Rayman set out into the Dream Forest...

_**In the Dream Forest...**_

"Wow! This is pretty!" said Rayman cheerfully. But then, as he said it, the ground shook. The trees tipped down, revealing themselves as cardboard props. "Blast it!" cried Rayman angrilly, "That's the problem with 2-D video games! Us actors have to deal with PROPS instead of live footage! When this adventure is over, and I get my pay, I'm going to have a word with Ancel..."

Rayman was shocked to see what was behind the cardboard background. Burning factories lay about, with enslaved Teensies! Before Rayman could take a second look, somebody turned him away from the horrible sight. Why, it was Big Bad Betilla! "Big Bad Betilla!" Rayman cried, "Why have you come to visit me?" "Well," replied Big Bad Betilla, "The script says me have to give you power."

"Aw, cool! I get to use POWERS in this game!"

"Here. Take Magic Fist. It make you stronger." Big Bad Betilla handed Rayman a piece of paper. Written on it were the letters, "I O U." "Hey, that's not very nice," Rayman scolded. "Okay, fine," Big Bad Betilla replied, agitated, "Here is power." A flash of light went over Rayman. He could throw his fist! "So, Big Bad Betilla," Rayman asked cheerfully, "How do I throw my fist?"

"Pick up fist. Then, toss it."

"That's boring."

"Who cares?" And with that, Betilla ditched Rayman. Rayman continued on his journey, eventually reaching the Anguish Lagoon. There, he found tons of enemies, which he quickly defeated. He also found Plums. Lots and lots of Plums. "If I see another Plum," Rayman decided, "I'm going to be sick. And I'm so TIRED of all these Indiana Jones wannabees! They've watched too many movies, when they could have been playing one of my uber cool games!" It was just then that Rayman entered a trap.

Out of nowhere, a monster appeared. "Boo!" it cried, "I am the unstoppable Moskito!" Rayman yawned. "Oh look!" he exclaimed, "Now I've gotta fight an overgrown, cartoonish mosquito that can't spell its own name right."

"That's MOSKITO! Why does everybody think I'm trying to say MOSQUITO!?"

"Don't know."

Moskito had had enough of this, though. It was time to attack. "Now... I shall use my amazing POKE ATTACK!" Moskito flew over, and poked Rayman with his nozzle-like mouth. "Hah! Feel the pain of being poked!" Moskito said gleefully. "That was pathetic," replied Rayman, "Got anything better?" Moskito didn't reply. He flew off. But then he returned with an eerily familiar red fruit, covered in spikes.

"Behold! My Ultra-Cool Prickly Plant of Doom and Graphic Death!" he cried.

"That's a tomato."

"Uh... No it isn't!"

"Yes it is."

"LIAR!"

"It is a tomato, and you know it."

"Okay, fine. I... I HAVE A LOW BUDGET, OKAY!? I tried to find some cool weapon, like a machine gun, but I didn't have enough money! And anyway, the law forbids me. They say this game can't include gore."

"Understandable." Rayman then started beating up Moskito, until Moskito decided to help Rayman. This took roughly 6 hours, because Moskito insisted that he had to fly back and forth in a horizontal line.

The two teamed up, and Moskito flew Rayman towards Band Land. "Just be careful!" Moskito told Rayman before they left, "We must fly into my Garden of Spiked Killer Fruits of Doom. NO TOUCHING!" "You mean your tomato patch? Okay." And so, Moskito flew Rayman through the Garden of Fake Spiked Killer Fruits of Doom. Moskito bade farewell, and then planned how to defeat Rayman next time. Rayman, on the other hand, wondered how a temple of instruments would look as he crossed the Bongo Hills...


	4. The Blues of Mister Sax

**Chapter 4 - The Blues of Mister Sax**

_Alternative Name - The Buddhist Monk, Part 1_

Rayman was mystified by the wonders of the Band Land. Music was at every turn. Being a musical man himself, he set to work strumming, tapping, or blowing in every instrument he found. Sometimes, though an instrument would bite back.

At the pinnacle of the Bongo Hills, Rayman found a temple. A sign called it the Temple of Allegro Presto. Pretending he was Goldilocks, Rayman strolled right in. What greeted him were angry (yet lazy) Trumpet guards, and a very slippery staff. More than once, Rayman either crashed head first into a giant clarinet, or hit his rump on a Trumpet's shield.

Rayman decided to avoid further trials of the temple at Allegro Presto. But as he left, he was attacked by a giant saxophone! "Jeez!" Rayman cried, "There are instruments in every shape and size!" "QUIET!" boomed the saxophone, "The manual says that I have to chase you. So start running." Rayman began to run on the slippery score catawalks on the other side of the temple. As he ran from the giant saxophone, giant musical notes attacked him. Rayman had to jump and dodge every one he found. After about an hour, Rayman escaped.

He found himself at a fork. One path led to the foreboding Blue Mountains. The other one led to some welcoming clouds, called Gong Heights. It was to there that Rayman headed.

_In the Gong Heights..._

Rayman walked atop the clouds of the place of worship for a bit. Other than some Antitoons, Rayman had no trouble. But, all of the sudden, a big person appeared. "Halt!" she cried, "For I am the Buddhist Monk!" Rayman just gaped, horrified. "Now, turn back, or I shall be forced to kill you!" continued the Buddhist Monk. Still, Rayman didn't move. "If you stay, I shall beat you to a pulp! Scared, aren't you?" Rayman stood still. Finally, the Buddhist Monk got annoyed. "Oh, come ON! Why don't you move!?" Finally, Rayman came to his senses. He closed his eyes, looked away, and said...

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you happen to be naked."

The Buddhist Monk was shocked! She vanished, and reappeared wearing her clothes. "Now, then!" she repeated, "Leave this sacred place!" Rayman simply replied, "Nah. I wanna go see what's over there."

"Never! Master Sax has forbidden any of us from revealing to anyone that there is a huge, ginormous party going on there. OOPS!" Rayman was already running to the Hullaballoo.

_At Mister Sax's Hullaballoo..._

Rayman joined the extravagent party. Everybody was there. There was Mister Dark, pulling off his famous Australian twist. The Wizard was there, selling cigars to various customers. At the center of the party, though, was the titanous saxophone. The one and only Mister Sax.

Rayman started dancing. However, he danced so horribly that most of the guests fell over stark dead. The rest screamed like little girls and ran off, either jumping off cliffs, swimming across oceans, or just running into their homes and locking the doors. All, that is, except Mister Sax. Mister Sax just glared at Rayman. "You again!" he complained, "So, you think you didn't have enough after you invaded my temple, eh? Thought you could come and crash my hullaballo, eh, ya party pooper!" "Well, actually," Rayman began to say, but he was cut off by the giant saxophone. "SILENCE! I shall have no excuses! You die NOW!"

Rayman now had to battle the giant Mister Sax. It was pretty difficult. Mister Sax continuously jumped around like and idiot, walked back and forth for no reason, blabbed on about taxes, and shot killer musical notes from his bell. Rayman obviously was near death by the time he got an opening. Rayman bunched Mister Sax's weakspot--his reed. "Ow! Why'd you do that!?" yelled Mister Sax. Suddenly, though, Mister Sax fell to the floor and fainted.

Rayman, finding no more to do in Band Land, grew bored. As such, he hurried off to the Blue Mountains...


	5. Jane

**Author's Note:**

I tried to return to the humor that was in Chapters 1 and 3. Sadly, this is a bit skeptical. (Writer's Block insuing)

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**Chapter 5 - Jane**

Rayman found the path to the Blue Mountains blocked, so he returned to the Dream Forest, hoping to find something new. And he did. A new path had mysteriously appeared, leading to the Swamps of Forgetfulness. Rayman didn't like the name...

At the Swamp, he found a swamp, with marshy ground, a bayou, and some boggy smells. Through the murky mist he could also see a moor-like lake. "Enough with the swamp synonyms!" Rayman screamed at the narrator, who was obviously so much cooler than Rayman. But noooooo, Rayman had to be the star instead of me! Well, I'll show him! I'll show everybody! YOU SHALL ALL FEAR THE WRATH OF THE NARRATOR!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

We are sorry, but the narrator has been fired. Replacing him is Mr. Narrator, from the old Winnie the Pooh short films. He is obviously a better choice than Murfy. Hopefully, a narcissist such as Murfy will NOT attempt to take over as he claims. Anyway, here comes the new narrator.

Hello! I'm, uh, the Narrator from, uh, Winnie the Pooh! Yeah, that's it! I'm not Murfy at all an

We are sorry again, but we just caught Murfy wearing a mustache. Here is the real narrator.

Hola! I'm Dora the Ex

We are sorry yet again, but Murfy decided to send us a "gift." We have sent the police after him.

Anyway, Winnie the Pooh was going to try to climb on Page... Sorry, wrong story. Rayman walked into the Swamps of Forgetfulness. What he'd find there, he didn't know. However, as soon as he took his last step, it began to rain. It rained and rained. It rained so much that a flood began.

Rayman frantically looked for the reason. As he did, he found a nude little Raymanian sitting in a bush. "Hey!" it lazily said, "You can jump just as high as I can, but I'm too lazy. Can you reach up and grab my clothes?" The lazy Raymanian pointed up, and spoke some gibberish. "Why'd you speak gibberish?" Rayman questioned. "It says I have to in the script," replied the Raymanian.

Rayman grabbed the clothes, and instantly (seemingly through the magic of video games) the Raymanian was wearing them. "Me Tarayzan!" he cried, "You Jane!" Rayman was shocked, and replied, "No, me Rayman. You Tarayzan."

"Me Tarayzan. You JANE!"

"Me Rayman. You Tarayzan."

"YOU JANE! JANE JANE JANE!"

"FINE! I'm Jane!"

"Yay! Me happy now! As a gift for Jane, me give you seed."

"What does it do?"

"Nothing. But, via the supposed magic of video games, the seed, which is actually just an item, will grow into a flower if you plant it with C or R, depending on the system. The flower, also through the supposed magic of video games, can be stepped on without harm."

"Wow, that was pretty intelligent for you to say."

"Ug. You Jane. Jane shush. Go now."

"Okey-dokey."

Rayman planted the seed. Nothing happened to the seed, but when he took it out, a flower shot up. He climbed the instantly appearing cliff, via the seeds... At the top he found a grove full of tomatoes. There was a sign that said, "WARNING! ULTRA-COOL PRICKLY PLANTS OF DOOM AND GRAPHIC DEATH GROVE! DO NOT TOUCH!" Rayman sighed. "Ugh. Looks like I'll be seeing _him_ again..."

_In Moskito's Nest..._

Rayman took a few steps, then fell down a precariously placed hole. At the bottom was somebody he had learned to fear with all his life. "Ha ha ha! You have fallen down my precariously placed hole! Now you shall fear me!" monologed Moskito. Rayman groaned. "Ugh. Not him again. When will this dull torture end?" "It already has!" returned Moskito, "For this time I have brought a weapon EVEN BETTER than my Ultra-Cool Prick--"

"Not this again. It is a tomato, alright?"

"Shut up! Anyway, I brought... THE ULTRA-COOL PRICKLY PLANT OF DOOM AND GRAPHIC DEATH 2000!"

"...which is a tomato, I'm guessing."

Moskito silently flew out of the screen ("What the heck!? A _screen_!?" yelled Rayman). He returned with a GIANT TOMATO!!!! "Behold!" laughed Moskito maniacly, "My ULTRA-COOL PRICKLY PLANT OF DOOM AND GRAPHIC DEATH 2000! Terror guarunteed, or you get your money back!"

"And how much money was that?"

"1,000,000,000,000,000,000 Canadian Dollars! Why do you ask?"

"Dude, we are in a French universe. WHY THE HECK DID YOU PAY WITH CANADIAN DOLLARS!?"

"I wanted to be unique."

Rayman sighed. He then beat up Moskito for being unique. "This is MY game! In MY game, bosses aren't supposed to be unique!"

"That's racist, I think."

"That's why I beat you up."

"That made no sense."

"That makes tons of sense."

"That I said, 'That made no sense?'"

"That is correct."

"That was a lot of 'thats.'"

"That was very observant."

"That all made it very difficult to tell who is talking."

"That is incorrect."

"That isn't true!"

"That is why we should stop using 'that.'"

"That reply made me say, 'Okay.'"

"So... Whatcha wanna talk about?"

"OMG! LET'S GO TO RZ!"

"Okay."

Rayman took out his laptop, not knowing that Moskito was going to try out his **Big Tomato**, and was at the moment flying right above him...

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**Author's Note:**

Funny, eh? A hint about what will happen in the Rayman 2 segment.

_This chapter has been edited. Last edited by: Rayman, Sat October 21 2006 23:55_


	6. Or the Fat Lady Gets It!

**A Word from the Author:** I'm so sorry for the long wait! I know how annoying it can be when you enjoy a fan-fic, only to discover it hasn't been finished and hasn't even been looked at for a long time. Well, I shall now finish this! All the remaining chapters have been finished; all I have to do now I post them. And for all of them, I apologize about the size. I never really started increasing the size of my chapters until after this was finished.

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**Chapter 6 - ...or the Fat Lady Gets It!**_  
Alternative Name - The Buddhist Monk, Part 2_

Moskito dropped the weapon of mass destruction. It bounced off of Rayman's head. "Hey!" cried the hero, "What the heck!?" Moskito, shocked, replied, "This is a boss battle, you twit!" Rayman said, "Oh," and socked Moskito right in the nozzle, knocking him out cold. "That takes care of that!" Rayman said cheerfully as he walked off.

After a mile of walking, Rayman was stopped by an imposing figure. But, as he looked more carefully, it was none other than...the Buddhist Monk! She was dressed up in a clown costume. "What are YOU supposed to be?" Rayman asked impatiently. "Come closer," the Monk replied. Rayman went a bit closer. "Closer," the Monk commanded. Rayman went even closer. "Closer," the Monk commanded. Rayman was now almost touching the Monk. Suddenly, the Monk squashed Rayman with a big hammer! "That's for looking at me, Peeping Tom!" Rayman stood flat as a pancake for a second, before the Monk grabbed a pump sitting against a tree (the most amazing of coincidences, as they were far from civilization) and stuffed the tube into Rayman's mouth. She then pumped air into Rayman. Oddly, the entire body inflated instead of just the detached head.

Rayman backed away, and asked, "What are you supposed to be dressed up as, O-So-Great-Buddhist Monk?"

"Betilla, you twit!"

"But Betilla is a big and ugly ogre with a motorcycle and a scary leather jacket that is said to eat whoever wears it that isn't Betilla! Betilla is an imposing beast that enslaves people (as he said this he glanced frantically at the trees, in case they were cardboard), blows down cute little piggies' houses, and eats little girls dressed in red smuggling illegal goods to their undercover clients dressed as grannies!"

"Well, the script called for a clown-like Betilla. I was the only one they could cast."

"Sucks for you."

"Shut up. Here, take this power. You can now hang on poor defenseless Purple Lums."

"Cool!" Rayman then used his magic powers to teleport away. Sadly, as he reached the Allegro Presto, he had a loss of memory, and forgot that he could ever teleport in the first place.

_At the Fork..._  
Rayman took the path towards the Blue Mountains. He eventually arrived at a pleasant looking gulch, surrounded in twilight. However, he tripped and used his magic powers to warp to the other side of the mountains. Sadly, he tripped again on the other side and forgot about the warp power. And anyway, a large hand had grabbed him. His eyes wide, Rayman looked behind him. There was a large golem, wearing an illegal, copyright infringing hat.

"Alright, pal!" the golem sneered, "You and me are going to get to know eachother, see? I'm Mister Stone, see? The boss of this mountain, m'yah! And you're my pal, see?" "Uh..." Rayman was about to say something more, but Mister Stone squeezed him. "I'm going to pull a bankheist, see? M'yah! And you're going to help me, see?" Suddenly, Space Mama instantly appeared in Mister Stone's other hand. "Or the fat lady gets it!" he threatened. "Ex-CUSE me?" scolded Space Mama. "Well, you _are_ corpulen--" Rayman was saying, when Space Mama cut him off. "Shut up," she told him.

Rayman and Space Mama were carried off. Rayman hadn't the slightest clue how he'd get out of this jam. Or ore. Or powder. Or dust. Or whatever you'd like to call crushed rocks.


	7. The Clutching Stone

**A Word from the Author:** Ah, Chapter 7. One of my favorites. I hope you enjoy it, sorry about the size! And as a side note, "Eig" is the Guardian of the Cave of Bad Dreams.

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**Chapter 7 - The Clutching Stone**

Soon, Rayman had been brought to the only bank in all of the Hall of Doors. The banker met them kindly. "You may not enter," he said extremely quickly, "unless you know the name of this place!" Mister Stone proceeded to grab Eig and shake his small body. "You're gonna let us in, see?" he threatened. "Or the fat lady gets it, see? M'yah!" Eig calmly replied, "Hah! As if _I'd_ worry about the enemy of my employer." Mister Stone sneered. "Well, then... I could always go through certain...'channels' to tell the world about your illegal, copyright-infringing hat." Eig whimpered, "No, please! Not the hat! It's my hat! Mine! Nobody else's! My boss...if he knew I was wearing this hat... Oh, I don't know what I'd do! Don't tell him! Anything but that! I'll... I'll tell you the password to get into the Cave of Bad Dreams..."

"That's more like it."

"The password is... One... Two... T-Three... Four... Five... S... SIX!!"

"Thank you very much, see? Now I'm gonna do away with ya, see? M'yah!"

Mister Stone hurled Eig away. He then forced Rayman to do all his dirty work in robbing the Bank of Da-Masta-of-da-World-Who-Is-Named-Darth-I'm-Ur-Master-So-Pay-Up-Or-Else (aka the Bank of Polokus). They then busted out via the secret passage (marked by a sign that read, "All ur bases r belonging to me!")

Sadly, Rayman, who was eating a World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Banana, accidentally threw away the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Banana Peel (the LATEST in trendy trends) forward. Mister Stone slipped on the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Banana Peel and dropped all the money into the Marshes of Awakening. Jano, the Swamp Monster, popped out and ate it all. "Look what ya made me do!" cried Mister Stone. "Stupid Raymanian!"

Eventually, after more failures at dastardly crimes (such as vandalizing the Picture City, messing with Begoniax's potions, etc.), Mister Stone decided to increase the size of his work. "We're going to topple over the Big Blue Pillar, see?" he declared, "And you're gonna like it, see? M'yah! You're gonna like it, or the fat lady gets it!" Rayman sighed. He wondered if this would go on forever. He had to get to Picture City, and they were already walking away from it, back towards the Blue Mountains. His hopes increased, however, when he saw the Big Blue Pillar. It disgusted him, though.

Standing atop a giant ladder was a stubby little man. He had two extremely long arms, an illegal, copyright infringing hat (quite a lot of them, eh?), and a blank look on his face. Or it should have been blank. It was currently showing a huge amount of amusement--almost to the point that he looked insane. In one hand, he was grabbing the neck of the Big Blue Pillar (a strange stack of round, circular rocks that seemed to hold together, with a ginormous boulder on top with a dopey grin). In the other, he held a great bottle of Vodka. He was forcing its contents endlessly down the Pillar's mouth; almost violently. The man was insanely chanting, "DRINK!! DRINK!! DRINK!! FEEL THE BURN!! DRINK!! DRINK!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Upon seeing Mister Stone, however, he hurried off to somewhere (muttering the words, "Uh-oh! My bank better still be alright!").

Rayman realized though that Mister Stone meant to have Rayman topple the Big Blue Pillar over. This was Rayman's chance to escape! When he was let go, he hurried off a bit, turned around, and used Grimace on Mister Stone. Mister Stone screamed in rage, and charged after the hero. "The fat lady's gonna get it, see? And you too, m'yah!" he sneered. Rayman proceeded to run away. He then jumped onto a precariously placed boulder, and then he jumped even higher. He threw his fist at the top of the Big Blue Pillar. "There you go!" he laughed, "I knocked the Pillar over!" But Mister Stone couldn't reply. The pillar had collapsed on him. And so ended the Blue Mafia. Rayman took Space Mama's hand, and together they hurried off to the opera house in the Eraser Plains.


	8. Bad Singing and Terrible Sandwiches

**A Word from the Author:** I hope you enjoy this chapter. Based on the reviews I've gotten on other sites, this is my most popular chapter; though it was written back in either late 2006 or early 2007, it still is being quoted on those sites today! I hope you enjoy it; I had a blast writing it. And as usual I apologize about its shortness.

- - - - - - -

**Chapter 8 - Bad Singing and Terrible Sandwiches**

The opera started off with a bang. Rayman, after Space Mama had begged, agreed to see it. The play was _Carmen in Space 2: Attack of the Killer Sponges_, and Space Mama was starring as Carmen. The show's music was the very same as Carmen, and it began with Los Toreadors. Rayman was excited. For most of the play, it was wonderful, though Space Mama still hadn't said a word. Rayman would sometimes clap along with the rest of the audience (a bunch of spoons). Finally, Space Mama's big part came. It was time for her song, the climax of the opera, to begin. Rayman leaned closer as she opened her mouth and took a deep breath.

Suddenly, a terrible, wretched sound filled the room. Rayman yelped, and plugged his ears. Still, the sound pierced his heart. He looked around frantically for the source of the sound. His temper shot up like a magnet when he realized that it was Space Mama singing. Rayman stood up, and helicoptered to the stage. The symphony orchestrating the opera showed no signs of disturbance, and Carmen continued to play. Space Mama, though, gave an evil stare at Rayman. In a more regular, stereotypical opera voice, she sung, "Mercy me, my jewels! You dare dislike my singing!? Guards, seize him!"

Rayman almost laughed. "Guards?" he asked. "There are no guards here!"

"Oh, but you forget _them_."

Space Mama pointed towards the audience. Rayman had completely forgotten about the spoons, and now they were glaring at him. Suddenly, one screamed, "GET HIM!" The spoons jumped out of their seats, and ran onto the stage. "Attack, my pretties!" squealed Space Mama in delight as she danced off the stage and into a chair. "Make your mama proud!"

Some of the spoons turned into pirates. Others took out lasers. The ringleader, who had commanded them before, ordered, "Spoon-hai! Attack!"

Rayman grumbled, "Curse J.R.R. Tolkein and his Uruk-hai dialogue!" He then jumped up and kicked silverware butt. Despite the number of the Pirats and Space Raiders, Rayman prevailed. In the end, not even a spoon lay on the stage. In her operaic voice, Space Mama yelled, "My pretties! You are a bad man. And now you must pay the price!"

"What are you going to do? Sit on me?" mocked Rayman.

"Much better than that," she snapped.

As light as a feather, she bounded onto the stage and revealed a rolling pin. In the blink of an eye, the tip extended into a lightsaber. "Gah!" cried Rayman. "The Force is strong with you!"

"I serve the Dark Lord, He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named!"

"What, Polokus?"

"_Hisssssss!_ Don't utter his name!"

"But--"

"No buts! We fight, now!"

Rayman jumped as Space Mama swung her rolling pin in his direction. As he landed on the other side of Space Mama, knives came from a kitchen and flung at him. "The Force is very strong with you indeed!" he exclaimed. "But, I'm afraid I have to kill you." Rayman punched Space Mama's rolling pin away (so was the power of having floating, flying fists; the possibilities were endless), and kicked her butt as well. "So long!" bade Rayman as he hurried out and into Picture City's outskirts. And from the outskirts, he entered the Beach of Skops.

Rayman was beginning to feel hungry, and so walked into a nearby restaurant, called _Eat at Joe's_. A bartender was shining glasses as he walked up. As soon as Rayman closed the door, the bartender's alien face instantly (without spinning or anything) faced him. Rayman felt very scared, and in fact he could have sworn that the music from _Psycho_ was playing. As if on cue, the alien's pleasant voice rang out. "Hi, I'm Joe!" he greeted. "Would you like a sandwich?"

"No, I'd like some chicken."

"Hi, I'm Joe! Would you like to buy a sandwich?"

"No, I said I want some chicken."

"Kind sir, would you like to buy a sandwich?"

"But I--"

"How about a sandwich?"

"Look, I'm going somewhere else."

"Say, I bet you'd like a sandwich."

The entire time, Joe's blank face didn't change one bit. Just as Rayman made a move to leave, the doors barred, and the windows were sealed. The room somewhat darkened, and a siren rang, "Would you like to buy a sandwich, kind sir?"

Rayman screamed. "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I'LL BUY A SANDWICH!"

Joe pointed a revolver at Rayman and said calmly, "Would you like cheese with that?"

"Uh, sure."

"Hello, would you like to buy a sandwich?"

"Can I talk to someone else?"

"Say, would you like to buy our famous sandwich?"

"No."

There was a pause. "Hello, my name is Joe! Welcome to Eat at Joe's! Would you buy a sandwich?"

"NO! FOR THE LAST TIME, PSYCHO! I DON'T WANT A SANDWICH!"

"Hello! I'm Joe, and I make sandwiches! Would you like one?"

"OH MY POLOKUS, SAVE ME!!" Rayman threw his hand up into the air and ran about trying to open the windows and doors. The people in the restaraunt always faced Rayman like zombies, chanting, "Would you like a sandwich? They are very good. Trust us. We love the sandwiches. Join us. Join us."

"NOOOOOOOO!!" Rayman crashed into a wall, leaving a whole. He ran away screaming, as the zombies marched out of the restaurant, their hands forward in zombie style. They repeated over and over, in a monotonous tone, "Buy a sandwich." So, Rayman could have stopped the Invasion of the Sandwich Eaters, but instead chickened out and ran for his own selfish life.

_In the Caverns of Skops..._

Darkness. All was in darkness. But from the darkness, there arose a hero like no other. As light flooded the area, blinding Rayman, a voice echoed, which would haunt Rayman for the rest of his life. "Welcome, to the world of Pokemon!" Rayman screamed. Would this nightmare ever end?


	9. Mister Skops' Sandwich

**A Word from the Author: **Hello, it's me again! I've just dropped by to let you know ahead of time: I am _very_ displeased with this chapter. So although I hope you get a good laugh, please don't expect this chapter to be any good compared to the others. I believe it to be garbage, personally. So much that if you want, you can even skip on to the next chapter. However, feel free to read on anyway. Sorry about the short length.

And by the way, in this chapter underline actually means "strikethrough." So in other words, anything in this chapter that is underlined is actually crossed out.

Oh yes, and the Hell's (Not Swearing) Brownies are the idea of a friend of mine. It was in the chapter as a sort of outside joke.

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**Chapter 9 - Mister Skops' Stalactites Sandwich**

Rayman woke up. He was in the caves that he had taken shelter in. There was no Professor Oak to eat him. All was as it should have been. Except for one thing: Rayman was _hungry_. And there was a nice sandwich _right next to him_. "Saaaaandwiiiiiich," Rayman moaned with a drop of drool. He stood up and walked towards it. But he tripped! Poor guy! He squished the sandwich, too. Rayman's luck was running thin. Suddenly, a voice echoed, "_HEY_! _MY SANDWICH_! It took me _ten_ _whole seconds_ to make that! Now, you must DIE!!" Rayman turned around. Mister Skops, wearing his trademark "I love sandwiches" shirt, was looking directly at him! "You hear me!?" he roared. Rayman nodded. "Then _run_ for crying out loud! What's your problem!? When I say, 'I'm gonna kill you and your pretty princess blah blah blah,' you are supposed to RUN FOR YOUR FRICKIN' LIFE!"

Rayman said slowly, "Oh _yeaaaaaah_... Oh well. Toodles!" Rayman waved and used the portal of darkness to ditch the crazy Sandwich King. "Now, to get rid of the Heartless," he muttered. A siren went off. He looked down... "Not again!" he cried as he discovered a sandwich was beneath his shoe. A Shadow popped up. It looked from Rayman to the sandwich and back. "Hey!" it cried. "You squished my sandwich! It took me ten whole seconds of MY _ENTIRE_ LIFE to make that!" Suddenly the Shadow turned into a giant raving monster. "Now, you must DIE!!"

-Intermission-

.

...

...what are we doing again?

-End Intermission-

Rayman was jigging when all of the sudden Mister Skops, Party Pooper Extraordinair, bust into the cave, holding...A LOAF OF BREAD!! Rayman screamed like a girl and ran far far away. Mister Skops chased after him, laughing evilly and threatening to use his LOAF OF BREAD on Rayman. "Come back!" he snickered. "Don't make me use this loaf of bread! I've killed 20,000,000,000 bacteriums with it!" Rayman hid inside an unsuspecting Globox's mouth. "Globox, hide me!" he cried. Then he turned on the lamp that was inside Globox's mile-long stomach (the lazy bum!). What he saw haunted him for the rest of his life. There was something so evil, so maniacal, so insane, so dark, so mean, so rude, so wicked, so tricksy, so not-Polokus, so the drama, so I went to the mall one day with my friends, so-so, so WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A SANDWICH!?, so horrifying, that I had to waste computer text to describe it! What he saw, was...AN ARMY OF TICKLE-ME ELMOS!! Oh, and the Wizard was there too, but he is unimportant compared to the ELMOS and their weapons... "Tickle me!" threatened Elmo. "Or I'll hit you with a LOAF OF BREAD!!" Rayman couldn't take it! They were everywhere! The loaves of bread, the Coco Puffs, the Elmos, the immense stomach that Globox had, the Party Poopers, the Tomatoes of Doom, the Hell's (Not Swearing) Brownies, the love, the air, the water, the Force... Too much for Rayman to handle! He ripped out of Globox's stomach (to which Globox exclaimed, "Oh no, not again!") and ran all the way up to the Candy Château.


	10. Rayman's Sweet Tooth

**A Word from the Author:** This is the shortest chapter in the story, I think. oO But it was fun to write anyways. I hope you enjoy it! Sorry that it is so short...

Oh, and if you notice a change in style, this was written in late 2007, almost a year since Chapter 9. I hadn't written anything after being so ashamed of Chapter 9, so I was pretty happy when this turned out good. Even brought me a new audience!

* * *

**Chapter 10 - Rayman's Sweet Tooth**

Rayman's jaw dropped when he saw the Candy Château. It was made _entirely_ out of sweets! Cake, lollipops, ice cream... "I love this place!" Rayman cheered. It was as if nothing could go wrong in the sugary paradise. "This guy's castle is awesome!"

Rayman then forgot all about Mister Dark as he saw his favorite food: Plum Pops. "P-P-P-P-Pl-l-l-l-um P-P-Pops! Oh my Polokus! PLUM POPS!" he cried. Rayman dove at the delicious giant plum-flavored popsicle and was in heaven. He licked it, letting the succulent sap on it drip into his unworthy mouth.

--

Meanwhile, Mister Dark sat at his window. The mind-controlling device the Wizard had placed on him worked perfectly; Mister Dark was now a Grade-A 100 Evil Final Boss. The dark wizard stared out his castle window through great binoculars--which he had once used for bird watching. "Yes, come closer, Rayman," he said in a deep, low Australian voice. "I have a surprise waiting for you... But I won't soliloquy. Foolish children and adults are watching my every word. So instead, I shall send in the clowns. Foolish Rayma--DARN! TALKING TO MYSELF AGAIN!"

--

Rayman was on his 100th Plum Pop when he heard a voice. "So, thou hast heard she won't be chaste?"

"Nay, she won't."

"She hath er'red a vow she created. To this we must crush her!"

Rayman took the chance to jump in on the two...clowns? "Halt!" he said valiantly. "Stop right there, you...clowns!? What are CLOWNS doing here? Shouldn't you be in the circus, dumb ol' clowns?"

The two clowns--one short and chubby while the other tall and skinny--frowned at the limbless hero. "Hark... Rayman! Dumb ol' clowns!? What did thou believe thy were, a jester!? Why, we'll smite thee for thou's most unholy deed!" The tubby clown pointed up. Rayman looked up and was taken aback. There were tons and tons of clowns dropping on parachutes or just flying down! "We art the Hundred Doom Clowns of a Hundred Dooms, sent by Master Dork to--Mister Dark, thy meant--to destroy thee Bobby Smiles!"

"Don't use my real name! It is _Rayman_, okay? I dislike my name..."

"Foolish Bobby Smiles! Thinking thou art superior to us? DIE, FOUL TURKEY!" The clowns in the air hit the ground.

Rayman was surrounded. Looking left and right, our hero whimpered, "...I think I just realized that I have a fear of clowns!" He crouched and covered his eyes moments before the clowns lunged forward to beat him up. It was all about to be over when...all the clowns crashed into one another. Rayman peeked through his hands. All around him were unconscious clowns. "Ha!" he cheered. "I have bested thee clowns!" With that, Rayman hurried off to his next danger: Master Dork. Er, I mean, Mister Dark.

* * *

**A Word from the Author:** Hi, I just wanted to mention that "Bobby Smiles" is a name I stole from the Belgian graphic novel _Tintin in America_. So the name isn't mine.


	11. The Evil Race of Evil Proportions

**A Word from the Author:** If Chapter 10 gained me a new audience, Chapter 11 gained me a new fan base. Almost as popular as Chapter 8, this chapter always puts a smile on my face. Even though it _is_ short. But then again, there's hardly a chapter in this story that _isn't_ short. Anyway, this is one of my favorite chapters, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I continue to do.

And for the duration of this chapter, anything that is underlined is supposed to be "crossed out."

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**Chapter 11 - The Evil Race of Evil Proportions**

Rayman was running and eating when suddenly he heard footsteps. Startled, the limbless loser hero turned around. Standing behind him was the menacing enigma of an evil cookie with an evil mustache and covered with evil chocolate chips made of evil dark chocolate with a pinch of evil essence. "Bwahahahahaha!" evilly snorted the evil cookie. "Hello, Rayman! I have come to evilly challenge you to an evil race of evil proportions. If you can beat my most loyal and evil minion in the evil race, I shall evilly show you the way to the evil Mister Dark. Do you accept my evil challenge, or am I too evilly formidable?"

Rayman thought for a moment. "Who am I racing?" he slowly asked. Surely cookies couldn't race?

"You shall be racing... DARK RAYGIRL!" stated the evil cookie as it burst into evil laughter. A monochrome duplicate of a female version of Rayman rose from Rayman's shadow. "Hello, Rayman," Dark Rayman snickered. "Let's, like, so totally race. Or are you too girly to race pretty little ol' me?"

Rayman looked at Dark Raygirl and back to the evil cookie of evil proportions. "Are you serious?" Rayman asked the evil cookie, who might have been evilly smiling had it had an evil face to make an evil smile with.

"Most serious indeed!" answered the evil cookie.

"I am, like, totally rarin' to go, Big Evil C! Can I take this hot stallion on or what?" asked Dark Raygirl.

"Hot stallion!?" Rayman gasped. "Okay, that's it! Let's race!"

--

Rayman and Dark Raygirl stood at the starting line. "On your mark... Get set... GO!" announced the evil cookie as he rose his equally evil flag. Rayman and Dark Raygirl took off. It was difficult; they were as fast as the other. Not once did they pass eachother, not once did they even look at eachother. Rayman desperately dodged obstacle after obstacle, trying as hard as he could to pass Dark Raygirl, but it just seemed impossible. The finishing line was coming into view... Would Rayman make it before Dark Raygirl?

Exhausted, Rayman broke down right before the finishing line. He collapsed not an inch away, and could not get up. In his head he could see Dark Raygirl passing him and winning the race. He had lost. There was no way he could win. Well, there was one way...

One week later, Rayman finally had the strength to stand up. Weakly he passed through the finishing line, waiting for mockery. But the mockery never came. "NOOOOOOO!" cried the evil cookie who evilly burst out of an evil nowhere. "You've won! I am evil toast!"

"No, you are cookie. Evil cookie," corrected Rayman. "But how in the world could I have won? I laid there for a week!"

"Well... This is a bit embarrassing, but... Well... Dark Raygirl... She ran... The completely opposite way."

Rayman burst into laughter. Good, jolly laughter. He had succeeded in flying colors! And now after this unexpected victory, he was just steps away from Mister Dark...literally. "Hello, Raynerd," coldly greeted Mister Dark, who sat in a lawn chair drinking some lemonade. "So nice of you to visit."


	12. The Tides of Darkness

**A Word from the Author: ** Ahh... The final chapter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it. And for one final time, I apologize for the shortness. Ha, this chapter still makes me laugh! Enjoy, enjoy!

Also, see if you can pick out all the _Frankenstein_ references.

* * *

**Chapter 12 - The Tides of Darkness**

"I had begun life with benevolent intentions and thirsted for the moment when I should put them in practice and make myself useful to my fellow beings," Mister Dark explained to Rayman during the tour of his candy castle. "But the mind is by its structure peculiarly susceptible to forgetfulness, and so I forgot those intentions for a long time. A few years ago, I remembered them, and with my magic I created a sweet utopia. This plateau of candy was but an empty wasteland when I arrived. Look at what I have created from it!"

Rayman looked around as Mister Dark continued on the history of the Candy Château. Dark's history seemed eerily familiar, and it sent shivers up Rayman's spine. Why did he feel like he'd heard those words before?

Mister Dark eventually stopped in a large, open ballroom. "And here is where the tour ends," Mister Dark finished. Before Rayman could react, the wizard poofed himself onto a balcony. Beside him was a tall, iron lever. "And here is where your life ends," Mister Dark added.

"What do you expect to do with that old thing?" Rayman asked, showing no fear. "Hit me with it? That lever's too old and rusty to do anything!"

Mister Dark snapped back, "Well, Mr. Wise-Guy, let's see what you think when I do _this_!" Mister Dark yanked back the lever. A hole opened up in the floor, and from it rose a terrible monster. Its head resembled Moskito's. And if that weren't horrid enough, it had the corpulent body rivalling that of Space Mama's, and brass boots that were identical to Mister Sax's tapping toes. The monster was huge and frightening.

"What the _heck_ is _that_!?" Rayman spat. "Some big scary hermaphrodite mosquitophone? Here's what I think," he explained as he turned to Mister Dark. "I think you've had a little too much plum juice!"

"It was _cranberry_!" Mister Dark yelled. "_Now_ you're gonna get it! Fluffy, attack!"

"Fluffy? That's its name?" Rayman laughed. "I could take it down with my eyes closed!" The limbless wonder gestured challengingly to Fluffy. "You're going down, blood breath!" he taunted.

"I may die; but first you, my tyrant and tormentor, shall curse the sun that gazes on your misery. Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful," boomed the monster in a monotonous way. "I shall squish you with my awesome girth!" Rayman watched as Fluffy jumped high into the air. Just before Fluffy landed, Rayman ran out of the way. Fluffy hit the floor with a crack, and before he could move any more the floor gave way. The giant Fluffy fell into a pit of darkness, never to be seen again.

"Mister Dark," Rayman remarked, "if there's anything I've learned from your tour, it was that candy crumbles easily." Rayman then ran towards an electrical outlet that was conveniently nearby and unplugged the single plug it clutched. Mister Dark was astonished--his electric guitar suddenly silenced. "Oh, there's that one other thing," Rayman sneered. "Your tour also taught me that I hate electric guitar boss music."

"No!" Mister Dark yelled back from his balcony. "My electric guitar music is excellent! Excellent, you hear me? Excellent!" Furious that nobody liked his music, Mister Dark ran out of his ballroom, never to be seen again. Rayman then underwent the difficult task of lugging the enormous Heart of the World all the way back to the Pink Plant Woods on foot. Afterwards, he finally was able to rest.

--

Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University poured some plum juice into his wine glass and turned to the world's hero, Rayman. "So," Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University remarked, "that's how it happened, was it?"

"To the exact detail, Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University," Rayman nodded calmly.

"But how did you know his song was bad?"

"Elementary, dear Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University, elementary. You see, while I was at Mister Sax's party I was able to check out the latest musical hits. It was then that I learned that Mister Dark's song, 'Around the World,' was a musical failure. Knowing that this was the key to victory, I stored this obviously important and useful fact in my brain, right next to my memory of how to get dirty with the ladies. It was all very simple, really."

"You are a genius, Rayman, a genius! But..."

"But what, Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University? What's wrong?"

"Well, I always thought the story was so much simpler... Like a streamlined, side-scrolling video game, almost. Don't get me wrong, your version is much more believable. But still..."

"Well you see, Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University, historians like to dumb up adventures like that. Those historians tell how things should have been. They don't tell the truth like I do. Only how things should have been."

Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University nodded his head. "I, Esteemed Doctor Charles of the Picture City University, for one am glad you told me that story." As he set his glass of plum juice down to get a refill, he asked, "Say, could you tell me what really happened in your second adventure?"

**THE END**

* * *

**A Word from the Author:** Well, it's all over! Be sure to check out the sequel, "Rayman 2 - How Things Should Have Twice Been." It has longer chapters. XD But don't be afraid to review this story; I love reviews. I hope you enjoyed the ride, and I hope to see you in the sequel! o Bye-bye!

Oh, and as one final comment, let me please remind you all to **finish your fan-fics**! All my favorite ones are unfinished.


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